Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Homie, Lover, Friend. Part Two: Love Jones.

Peace all. It's officially been one year since I actually got back into the dating game! Yay!!! BGD is having its first anniversary!  I'm so proud lol. No really, I am proud of myself for not giving up. Dating to find a special someone is a hard thing. Lots of time, energy, and money are spent. You get your feelings involved, and there can be as many disappointments as there are delights.  Before I started this thing, I had never really dated before. I was always just with someone - fully committed in a long term relationship.  I don't EVEN know how that occurred, but that was my life ever since I was 14. This is actually the first time I have been by myself, and I'm glad I chose to do so. It has given me the time to process the past, reevaluate my goals, study my actions in the present, and allow myself to truly move forward. I want to thank you all for reading and hope that you continue. Thanks so much! With 4000 supporters and counting, I have to tell you all that your support while I have been doing this has made all the difference.

For our 1st anni, I had to pull out some...
 Damme to make you dance; Damme to make you dance... ; )

With that, let's get on to the updates! In my last post, I told you all a little more about my Homie Lover Friend and our plans to meet.
Damn, bruh! I'm might could get it though.
Meet we did! The trip was lovely, and I've actually been to see him again since that first trip. Good gracious, dat man sexy!  His whole aura is attractive to me: his way of thinking, the bass in his voice, his silliness, his mischievous little smile when he's affectionate, his abs and biceps...drool. He's spun my whole being around, and I won't lie to you all and say that I'm not in love...well, maybe just in strong like lol. Yup, your girl took an arrow for cupid, and the situation for me is deep. However it is also no less complicated than it has been.
Before I get to that let me tell you about the trips. We shared a posh little hotel room complete with Jacuzzi tub, enjoyed room service and dining out, and I was able to meet some of his family and close friends and see where he works. We just enjoyed the city and each other's company. We were able to talk a lot and catch up properly.  For the first time, I was able to really get a sense of what his life is like. I felt like I wanted to be part of it. He's a good man in an ummm interesting situation, and I felt like I could be of help to him. I have to be careful of that though. I have a naturally helpful personality, and I'm prone to being that "fixer" in a relationship. I organize and plan well - obviously...I'm an awesome librarian. He's thinking his situation is bad. I'm thinking it's not so terrible. Together we could just chop this up, and he'd be helping me too.  I could be his compass and he, my anchor. But he is a man. Men have to handle some things on their own to feel confident. I only want to be there to encourage him, and make sure he feels my respect and admiration for his hard work. Yeah.  I got it kinda bad. This dude got me ready to do some deep things for him, and that's good and natural for a woman to feel. What is not so natural for women, or at least for me, is asking ourselves what someone else is ready to do for us. That's not selfishness; it's necessity. Call it the Mommy Syndrome. Women are used to taking a lot onto themselves and giving love without question with little recognition because it's our duty as mothers, particularly of small children. I've had kids for a long time now, and it's something I'm used to doing. I feel like I've accepted that from men in the past, and I don't wish to be like that now. So my whole purpose for going to see him was really to sit back and watch him, to see how much of himself he was willing to invest in me - in us.

His language and manner were just as sweet and kind as they have always been. He's quite the gentleman, taking my hand to help me up from a chair or lead me across a room, full of compliments, opening and closing my car door and the like. I know I've said in the past that while I value politeness, ├╝ber chivalry wasn't really my thing or altogether required.  But yeah, I think it is lol. Receiving that kind of attention from someone you care about is awesome.  He's spoiled me a little, and I won't be going back lol. Like me he is always communicative and diverse in his tastes. I started thinking, “wow, this dude might be what my spirit has been seeking." Twenty years we've known each other. Twenty. He knows the old me and is now getting to know the present me. IMO, that’s a bonus. It gives him a more holistic view of who I am and who I'm becoming. I felt that if we could take our time to build a solid friendship and let our love grow, we could be that power couple for real. But with brightness, there is always shadow, and I was somewhat prepared for that.
Despite all of the affection he would show, I felt he had thrown up a barrier between us. At first I thought that the situation was just awkward, meeting after all this time and on these terms. But by the second visit, even though we were more relaxed and markedly more affectionate, the barrier seemed just as present. I realized that it was his view of the other things going on in his life holding him back. The solutions I see to the issues are just not what he sees. We've been saying that we love each other for months now, and I believe that. But there are many kinds of love, and it's clear to me that he doesn't feel quite the same about me as I do for him :(  He's not ready to, or maybe just doesn't want to, let himself feel that. Perhaps he never will.

Just the realization was quite a blow. I mean, it was never my intention to go to visit him and just start a relationship.  I really do want to take things slowly and make the decision together as to whether or not we should move forward or just remain friends. It's not just us in this situation.  I have kids; he has a child; we both have other responsibilities. We can't just bring people into our lives without thinking about the consequences for other people.  It's worth it to take the time and make sure it's right. So I wanted to start as friends who are trying to figure out if they want to be more. Back where I come from, we call that process "talking." But he's not even in a place where he can do that with me. We agreed to keep things light and just stay Homie Lover Friends for the time being.  I don't want to not have him in my life, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself by putting myself in a position I'm not comfortable with just because I'm afraid to let my feelings of hope for us go. I haven't really decided how I wanna play this thing going forward.  I can be quick to cut a brother back and stop all contact.  Part of me feels that would be best. But we both have said that it was important to us to have each other in our lives right now, and I believe we both meant that.  I'll let you know when I decide.  Regardless, he will always have a place in my heart, and I will always feel thankful for whatever amount of time we will be or were able to be in each other's lives. He has made me feel more special and more beautifully feminine through our interaction than I have felt spending time with a man in over a decade.  I do something for him as well. I feel that we came into each other's lives in this way and at this moment after all of this time for a reason. Perhaps being soulmates just isn't the reason.  Perhaps it is. “For even the very wise cannot see all ends.” And with that LOTR quote, I bid you all adieu for now, Lovelies. You'll get the next scoop as soon as I have it. Cheers and thanks again!

1 comment:

  1. And the saga winds to a close... for now. Sorry youre in this era of doubt. Was hoping it all worked out happy for you, Sis. But remember, good things take time and long journeys have bumps. If you Love the man, stick it out... If you can see a happy end. If not, dont waste your energy or time.