Peace All! Whew! Lots of things have taken place! I'll have to get this done in steps, so bear with me. This post, let's get into what's going on with Homie Lover Friend.
As you all know, that situation didn't turn out as I'd hoped. After corresponding for 7 months, I had fallen for this man. He seemed so open and honest, and considering our background, I cannot tell you all how disappointed I was that his words couldn't be backed up with action. At first I felt that it was his situation holding him back, but after taking a step back and analyzing, I see that the real issue is his own insecurity. Though he said that his situation was one he wished to change, and I believe that somewhere inside he does, he clings to his current set of circumstances because they allow him to do just what he is doing now. They don't require him to be better. He knows that if he wanted to have an adult relationship with a woman, he would have to do some serious work on himself before he could even step to her.
He led me to believe that he was ready to do that work, but he isn't. Sometimes the devil you know is easier to accept than the devil you don't. Anyway, I choose to accept people as they are rather than attempting to change them, so I'ma leave him to his own devices. AND I'm pretty sure he will be my last fixer-upper, meaning that in the past I was willing to accept a man who was say, a step or two below up-and-coming if he had certain other favorable characteristics I'm interested in. I was willing to do that because I was a step or two (or three) below up-and-coming myself, and you want to choose people who are in a similar place and time that you are so you can grow together. But I'm no longer below up-and-coming. I'm just rounding bases towards my goals at this point. I need to kick it up some notches. We all do, ladies.
You gon' make your way up here, or...?
Ladies, I invite you to think about the fact that when considering men as partners (this may apply particularly as Black women considering Black men), we want to be a source of inspiration for them and lift them up. There's nothing wrong with that sentiment, per se. You all know I'm a Bottom B*tch. I hold my man down and lift him up SIMULTANEOUSLY! That's just how I doooo, lol! But seriously, there's nothing wrong with encouraging your partner. There are a lot of talented and intelligent guys out there who just need to focus, have confidence in themselves, think realistically, and plan. But you know, as women we can start by thinking you are going to raise a man up, ie encourage him to improve himself, and instead we end up being his enabler. Now, Aya isn't looking for the rich dude or the doctor; I have my own reasons for that which I will explain if asked. And I've just gotten my own ducks in a row really. I don't necessarily need to be with the guy who has it all figured out, but I do need to be with a man who is already enacting his plan. I'm gon' have to give a big ol' hug to the guy who is still trying to figure his plan out, and send him on his merry way with a pat on the butt. I'm too old to be raising dudes up, and honestly it does them a disservice. What happens is that we think we are helping a man stand on his own two feet by accepting him in that state, but we are really treating him like a child by not allowing him time and space to pull himself up on his own. If we collectively as a sex leave men in this situation alone (no hint of relationship, no nookie, no nada), some of them will figure it out and become stronger - the kind of guy you might want to be with - as they struggle to their feet. Sadly, some won't make it. I'ma tell y'all right now that half the cute ones will be gone. Poof! lol. But no matter how good looking or well endowed they might be, it's survival of the fittest out here. If a male can't stand on his own two feet as a man, what good is he in a relationship or parenting setting? I know that's hash, but reality isn't pc. Women need to look at these weak individuals like albino alligators or something. They are interesting to look at, and we allow them to live out their lives in peace, but we also acknowledge that they can't survive in the wild and don't encourage them to pass their genetics into the rest of the population. I'm serious! Just not good breeding stock. I don't know. What are you all's thoughts on that one?
Getting back on topic, you all may remember that I was waivering about whether or not to remain in HLF's life as a friend. In truth I think we have very different concepts of what friendship is. You have to be able to give as good as you get in any type of relationship. If you're unable to do that, you're a parasite, not a partner. It's a shame to end twenty years of friendship like that, but it is what it is. We have spoken since all of the drama ended (where I'm concerned at least), and I received what I feel was a heartfelt apology for things that happened. When we talked it was still very clear why I had been attracted to him in the first place. He is an extraordinary human being. Our method of thinking about things is very similar. I will always have feelings him. I will always consider myself his friend. However, we will not be able to carry on a friendship, I'm sorry to say. Demz da breaks. Also, I am currently in a relationship (surprise!!) with someone whose affection I value highly and as I told HLF, I don't eeeven intend to play with my relationship. I'll tell you guys about him in the next post!
HLF, I hope you read this because I know you will know exactly where I'm coming from and know that there is no malice or anger between us. We have made peace, and no matter what else happened or will happen, that's all that matters. I believe in you, perhaps more than you believe in yourself. That's ok. Friends provide you with that boost when you are feeling doubt. Try to see your way clear of unproductive influences and just focus on moving forward for yourself, and you'll be fine.
Peace and Love,