Monday, February 15, 2016

What's Good in 2016, Y'all?

Hi, All! It's been ages. Hope you all have been well. I've looked back over some of the old posts, and oh my goodness I was acting the fool lolol! Yet "for what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh [with] them in our turn?"  I haven't written steadily in a long time for various reasons: I had a death in the family that I'm just really starting to recover from, drama with my kids just being teenagers, work, and generally trying to figure out where I'm going from here. I haven't done a whole lot of dating, though there has been some. Honestly, I feel that I achieved the original goal I set out with at the creation of this blog. I was seeking what I would view as a soulmate. I found several.

No, seriously. 

There was a man who I had the best conversations I've ever had in my life with. I won't say that we spoke about weighty things which could have a measured impact on humanity or anything. It was more like our minds were in tune. When I speak,  I tend to over explain myself so that nothing gets lost in translation. I can be a little far out in my thinking, so I explain as I go along so that people aren't staring at me like "wth are you getting at?" With him, our thought processes were very similar. That is not to say that we often thought the same things;  we had very different points of view on a lot of stuff. It's just that the way we would arrive at conclusions was quite similar. So he was always right there with me when I would speak to him at any depth. Explanation wasn't necessary. That's a very satisfying thing, and rare. Other than my mother and my daughter,  I've not come across anyone who I have that type of connection with.  It's not necessarily a familial trait. My sister isn't that way, nor is my son or father. But this guy would say things and they would be *verbatim* things that my mother often said, or he'd take the words right out of my head. He didn't really know me like that. He didn't know my mother or anyone in my family either. In some ways, he just knew instinctively exactly what I needed, and that was amazing.

There was also a guy who captured my admiration, and I don't think that's ever happened before. Usually my thoughts going into a situation are "I'm on my path; can he keep up?" In this situation,  I was wondering if *I* could keep up, which is weird because it's not as if he were running for Congress or something. He just radiated power and an air of greatness. I was awe-stricken, frankly. He is a thin but muscular, short fellow. I was often reminded of Napoleon in that Napoleon was said to give off a presence much larger than himself.  That's attractive in its way. Added to this was the fact that this person and I share a culture, and that's also a rarity for me as far as dating goes. I generally try to avoid these brothers, tbh, because I'm not a traditionalist within our group. So when I start talking to these guys, and shut down in one coversation what I view to be their sexist, flawed, and archaic attitudes, all kinds of unnecessary minidrama can occur in the community.

I swear, men can gossip more than old church women when they get up on their gender roles high horse. Anywho... Of all the men I've dated, only four have shared my spiritual and cultural worldview. However, I had long-term relationships with two of those men. Apparently there's something to be said about sharing one's culture.  This person and I also share a surname in fact, which was...funny. We had some definite differences of opinion, but the discourse was good. We often fell asleep on the phone discussing philosophy and would call each other first thing to reconnect and show our pleasure at being able to have those type of nearly academic discussions with one other. In this way, we were able to work through things to a certain extent.

There was also a guy who I had possibly the most fulfilling sex in my life with.

Now I usually don't speak about these things, but I will here because it is significant to my soulmate search.

In my last relationship, sex was a major issue. Without going into too much detail, I will say that our problems with not having the kind of sexlife we were each seeking, and we were seeking totally different things, ruined our relationship. The issue was not the sex itself, though my partner at that time would likely disagree. For me there were underlying reasons for why our sexual interaction was what it was, and why we were each unhappy with it. But I was pretty young when we got together; I'd just turned 22. I didn't know myself well enough to be able to put my finger on what was at issue for me. There's a lot to it, but suffice it to say we just weren't connected in the way we needed to be to have the type of sex I find fulfilling. It wasn't about him not being handsome or "skilled" sexually or aything of the kind. He was a good guy generally, though not always kind or supportive. Still he was faithful, dedicated, loyal - and it wasn't enough. That might sound pretty bitchy of me, and I don't care. It wasn't enough. When it came down to it, I didn't feel safe putting all of my eggs in his basket. If I'd realized that and been able to communicate my feelings to him, we could have worked on it, but I don't think it would have made much difference. I've thought about him and our relationship troubles a lot, especially after being intimate with other people and particularly this newer guy. The chemistry was just off. Nothing could have made it...not off. Of course there were other issues in our relationship like the not being kind or supportive. Knowing myself, I seriously doubt that sex alone would make me leave someone that I love and am dedicated to as I was this ex partner. He just wasn't the right fot for me.

Anyway, that shit ain't work out, and our wretched sexlife was a manifestation of our dis-ease. So ability to have intense, honest, and reciprocal sexual expression with my partner became a thing of focus for me as I sought a soulmate, and this guy I met was every bit of that. He was very open, very en flux with me, very good at sharing. There's a delicate balance to lovemaking that differs for each combination of individuals. He knew how to find that with me every time. Idk, I think people often go into a sexual situation with the mindset of satisfying some need or craving they have or with the intention of "showing out" as we say, which is not a mutually exclusive aim from that aforementioned. But this leaves aspects like reciprocity of energy altogether missing. I mean, I'm grown. I'm busy. What time I have that isn't spent at work or attending to my kids (yes, teenagers still need you - A LOT), or engaged in something else I need to do, I spend chilling. A man has to present me with a whole lot to make me chop up the wee, little bitty time I have to simply chill and dedicate part of it to performing the extra grooming women do when they meet up with a love interest, getting dressed, leaving my house, and spending time somewhere where I am not, in fact, chillin - netfilx aside. A little bump and grind really isn't enough to make me do that EVEN IF you add food to the equation. Hey, I'm just keeping it real. You have to give me more than a new position or location or whatever. I am not  at all aroused by the concept of "newness." What I seek is complete openness to the point of discomfort and embarrassment to create a bond through the act, which can lead us to a type of quintessence. Yeah, so not everyone is down for all of that. This person was, though, to a greater extent than anyone I have ever been involved with in the whole of my life, save one.

There were some other people I talked to or dated, but no one else worth speaking of, I'm sorry to say.  Though, of course,  there was the man I almost married last spring.


The common thread here is that I was seeking something: passion; a certain type of connection; a person who would push me beyond my boundaries; a person with whom my soul resonated; a soulmate. And because those things were foremost in my mind (and not much else, speaking of practicality) I found those things. Over and over.  I don't think that a soulmate has to be a single indivual among everyone on the planet who stirs something real and important yet intangible in you.  I never had that way of thinking. It doesn't really make sense to me. At any rate, each of these people had meaning for me, and I appreciate them for it. But just because your soul resonates with someone doesn't mean your relationship will work. My favorite quote from the film, The Horse Whisperer, is, "I didn't love her because it was right; I just loved her." And that's how things are sometimes. Plenty of relationships fail because they're all heart and no logistics. Love doesn't pay bills. Love doesn't make moves that need to be made. Loving a person doesn't make them a man or woman. You have to have a good combination of heart and logic, among other things, to make a relationship work. Relationships are hard. Love is hard. Life is hard. That's the challenge and what makes everything worth it.

I think that by the time I met this guy who asked me to marry him last year, I was so weary after the roller-coaster of emotions I experienced with these other spirits, and my mim dying tbh, that I was fine with settling down with whomever. As long as it seemed like it could logically work, I could learn to love him, right? I liked him well enough. But after a little while I started to think that I was just getting married so that I could say, "See? I was able to get married after all!" and fit into whatever category social norms dictate that I be in at this age. I couldn't do it. Too much logic, not enough heart. I called it off. We were both fine with it, though we haven't spoken since then even as we said we would remain friends. Toad the Wet Sprocket moment, there. To hell with social norms. I've done everything at the "wrong time" so far. I was a teen mother twice. I dropped out of high school in the second semester of 11th grade before I was even old enough to drop out. I still managed to retake all the classes I'd missed and graduate at seventeen. I dropped out of college the first year, went back and finished undergrad at 24. Then it took me another half a decade to realize I needed to get a master's degree. So here I am, almost 36 with adult children, thinking about having more come hell or high water (smh), and simultaneously thinking about joining some organization so that can be a philanthropic hobo somewhere over seas for a while. Folks, I can't tell ya. I have no idea where I'll be in two years. I'm betting on someplace else, which means I probably don't really want to find Mr. Right in the immediate future...right??? Sigh. What I do know is that I'm not doing the same things in my life and I don't want the same things as I did when I started this whole thing in what, 2012? I'm just going to do whatever I want to do for me basically, and whoever I decide to let into my increasingly small cipher will either run in time with me, or he won't. I'm cool either way.

Hope to post again soon, y'all. Cheers!

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